It's Thanksgiving

I woke up early this morning, not because I had to get a turkey in the oven or had a lot of cooking to do, but because I just woke up thinking about today.

I am spending today at my mother-in-law's, a home that has welcomed me since I was in college and arrived weekends with my laundry. Betty has welcomed me as a daughter from day one. I am so thankful for that. Twenty-three years later is it still a place of comfort and home. What a blessing!

My mom and sister are spending today (well, this entire week) at my aunt and uncle's house. I remember many delicious Thanksgiving meals at my aunt's house, fires crackling in each fireplace, old farmhouse holidays at its finest. But not this year. My mom's sister Sue has Alzheimer's and her husband is in failing health. It is time for them to move into an assisted living home, a choice that was not easy to make for either of them. Today will not be a day filled with the smells of cooking and sounds of family. Instead, my aunt will ask the same questions again and again, becoming more angry as her anxiety rises. My uncle will try to pack and prepare for their move tomorrow. My mom and sister will try to help both of them as they make this transition. I am thankful that my aunt and uncle will soon be living in a safer place where they can truly find rest and care. I am also thankful that my mom and sister are able to be there with them.

With my mom and sister busy ministering and caring for Sue and Billy, my dad is home by himself today. He said he had several invitations to Thanksgiving dinner but will likely stay home in the quiet. He will enjoy some smothered venison steak and watch football at his leisure. I am thankful that he is able to enjoy today, that he will have food he loves and a comfortable chair to sit in.

Soon, this home will be filled with cousins and other relatives. More noise than than our ears can handle. More movement and crowd and joy and fellowship. More food and food and food. We are blessed with family, blessed with God's provisions, blessed with love. This year, I am so aware of how different it could be, and I thank God for what he has given me.

Thank you, Lord, for saving my soul.
Thank you, Lord, for making me whole.
Thank you, Lord, for giving to me
Thy great salvation so rich and free.
Amen.

Middle School :(

P1 started middle school this year. He cries more than my 4 year old these days.

"I'm horrible. I keep goofing up. I'm stupid. I can't do this. I hate the bus. I'm no good."

Today's trigger ... he was 40 minutes late getting home, and I was concerned (okay, near frantic). He walked in the door about a minute before I was going to start driving the streets looking for him. When he saw my worry, he fell apart. He thought he told me that he was staying after for Recycle Club. Maybe he did. Among all the details of my day, he could have said it and I missed it.

So, what's going on? Is it low blood sugar? Is it the extra long day? Is it the bus? Is it hormones? Is it the extra pressure of GT classes? Is it ... WHAT? What is it? And how can I fix it?

Please. I'm struggling with this. It hurts so much to see him down. I want him to see how great he is. I want him to remember that he is a child of God. A precious treasure. An insanely smart kid, with great gifts and talents. And I don't know how to convince him of his worth, his value, his ability to excel in his schooling.

And I'm praying. Probably more than I have since he was born. Praying that God's truths will pour into his mind and heart. Praying that the demons that whisper this doubt and self-loathing in his ear are bound and gagged in the power of Jesus' name. Praying that I have wisdom and strength and patience and courage to help him through this time.

I just want him to know he is enough and God is enough for him.

It's My Birthday.

It's my birthday, and it seems like there should be something more to say. The truth is, this has not been my favorite day. My body turned on me, after days of feeling pretty good. And while already feeling a little down, some family drama cropped up.

I wish I knew how to be confrontational and clearly state my issues/needs/boundaries without the other person getting mad. I don't guess it's possible with two weak, fallible human beings involved. Conflict is inevitable. Feelings will be hurt. Hearts broken. Will she really hear what I am saying? Will I hear her?

So ... it's my party, and I'll cry if I want to ...

Dad Camp Amazing Race 2012

We went to The Villages at Fairview/Allen today for Dad Camp.

I printed the pdf of the maps of The Villages off the internet and fastened them in a file folder labeled DAD CAMP CONFIDENTIAL and TOP SECRET. P1 (11 years old) was the keeper of the map.

I printed a picture clue for each stop, and the kids took turns opening the clues. If the child that opened it couldn't figure it out, the siblings helped and we gave hints if necessary. Once they knew where, P1 found it on the map and told DH how to get there.

Once we arrived at the destination, the same child that opened the clue opened the challenge for that location and read it to us. Sweet P needed some help reading hers, but she did well on the sight words and her brothers were very encouraging as they helped her.

Because we were out until 2 am this morning at the drive-in movie, we kept it pretty short & simple, but the great thing is there is so much to do at The Villages this could be as long a day as you wanted.

Clue 1 - Cabella's

The Challenge - Find an animal that lives in:

- the mountains

- the desert

- the water

- the prairie

- the jungle

- the savannah

- the arctic

- the forest

There really are just all kinds of animals at Cabela's. It was a fun indoor activity on a hot day.

Clue 2 - Toys R Us

The Challenge - You have 15 minutes to find a small gift ($5-10) for your sibling. P1 for Sweet P, P2 for P1, and Sweet P for P2.

There was a little bit of lecturing, esp to the 6 yr old, that this is not about you. It's about thinking about your brother/sister and what you know they like. You have to trust that your brother/sister knows you well enough to pick something great. And they all did. :)


Clue 3 - Whole Foods

The Challenge - Pick a weird food to try tonight at dinner.

We came home with papaya, Santa Claus melon, mini bananas, a lemon, a odd squash, and a donut peach. Yum.


Clue 4 - Ice Cream

No challenge this was the reward for the day. So much fun!

With Wings as Eagles

Somebody lift me up

Cause I feel like I’m drowning

I know God is strong enough

And I know I am not

I know He could not love me more

He could not love me less

But I feel so lost

So tired

So weak

So weary

Do you see it?

Do you hear me?

I would give anything

To take my child’s pain away

For all the love I feel for him

For all the heartbreak at his hurt

I know You love him more

You cannot love him less

He is not lost

I will not grow weary

I will trust in the Lord

His Joy is my strength

His Word is my lamp

Faith is my shield

I will wait on the Lord

And renew my strength

I will run and not grow weary

I will walk and not faint

I will soar with wings as eagles

In tears I will find His Joy

In weakness I will find His Strength

In the quiet stillness

I will know He Is God

42

I’m turning 42 this week. Don’t understand how this has happened, as I’m sure I graduated from college a couple of years ago. I’m sure I just got married, and surely P1 was just born a few months ago.

Yet, here it is my birthday, and more than ever before, I am feeling and seeing the effects of the aging process. DH & I had our picture made a month ago, and I was shocked to see the middle aged couple looking back at me in the picture. Good grief, my hip is actually hurting this week. Did it just feel the need to remind me I’m getting old? No need, the 10 year old reminds me on a weekly basis.

Other evidence of my age – the reading glasses that are necessary to read anything actually printed on paper (one of the reasons I prefer reading on my phone, iPad or Kindle); the fact that I prefer wearing shoes to going barefoot; the gray streak that would be visible in my hair if I didn’t pay a lovely young woman to color it on a much more regular basis.

There is also the assortment of goo necessary to keep my skin from falling to the ground or wrinkling into deep crevices. Seriously, there is the morning face lotion, the evening face lotion, the eye cream, the hand cream, the foot lotion, the cream that fades the stretch marks and age spots, the cream that lessens the appearance of cellulite (I’m not sure that one works, but I’m afraid to stop using it in case it does), and the general body lotion. Oh, and sunscreen, of course there’s sunscreen.

But then, there is the good stuff about getting old. I feel generally more grounded, more at peace than any other time in my adult life. I love my husband more, so much more than I did 20 years ago when I married him. We have grown closer in the last couple of years that I could have dreamed possible.

I have a greater understanding of God’s grace. Better said, I have an understanding of God’s grace. I’m sure I didn’t get it at all as a younger person.

I have three kids that all came in the last decade. At 30, I had no idea if we would ever have kids. At 40, I sat in amazement at how God had grown our family. I have the calm and flexibility that only comes with mothering.

I have gained more friends – true, God-loving, all giving, amazing friends – than I could possibly deserve. I hope that I give back to each of them the blessings they give to me.

I am at a point in life where I can look back and smile, even laugh, and where I can look forward with confidence and joy. I have survived tragedy and triumph, mundane and extraordinary, the roller coaster of life. And I am standing strong. Strong in faith. Strong in love. Strong in life.

Blessed, I am so very, very blessed.

Can we all agree ... no more Mommy Guilt?

If I had one message for moms ... stop feeling guilty. I see it everywhere. Moms seem to be trapped in a life of "should have's," feeling like they don't measure up, like they are failing at the greatest and most challenging job on earth - raising our kids.

I saw it in my own mom. When I went off to college, my mom gave me a letter apologizing for her failure as a mother. I couldn't believe it. How had she failed? Here I was at college, on an academic scholarship. I graduated from high school with honors and perfect attendance. I became a Christian when I was six. As I went to college, I was an active member of a new mission church (thot would become one of the most influencial churches in America). I had friends. I had enough self-confidence to go to college out of state.

The truth is, I thought that somehow I was a disappointment to her, if she thought she was a failure as a mother. Was my mom a failure? By no means. But the guilt she felt over not being the "perfect" mom, overshadowed her whole mothering experience, robbing her of mony joyous moments motherhood can bring.

I knew as a young woman, a young mom, I didn't want to have that mindset. But how do you avoid it?

Almost as soon as the child arrives, you start comparing him to other babies. I gave birth to my first child the same week two of my other friends gave birth to their first borns. There was plenty to compare and contrast.

As toddlerhood approached, I wondered if my floors would ever be clean again (ever step on a Goldfish cracker or a Froot Loop?). Was I spending enough time with my child? Was I doing the right things with/for my child? Was it okay that he always crawled under the table when we went out to eat? The mommy guilt can set in very quickly.

Add two more kids to the mix ... and I know my floors will never be clean. And that's OKAY.

More on this later ... my kids are calling me to play Wii. And I'm starting to feel guilty for spending time on the computer rather than playing with them.